Love Letter

I told my stories today. I've said that I'm crazy, but you don't get it unless you hear my stories. I mean, a diagnosis is a diagnosis, and I don't really trust doctors anyway, but if you see crazy, really see it, you know it for what it is. 

I haven't told the stories to any one in a long time really. Not all together especially, cause one piece here and there doesn't hurt so much but all of it together is just, a lot. But then, it all goes together and doesn't make sense if you leave out part of it. Really, I'm not sure life does make sense, it's all kind of absurd, but us, you know, we're story-tellers, so it's natural to try and make sense of it. Really, my love, there's been a lot of pain. Some self-inflicted, some from others, some accidental, a lot of mixing of all of that, you know?
In my story, there's been a lot of hurt from people not loving each other enough, and people not accepting others and themselves, and hurting others because they didn't love themselves, and just being so lost in pain that they could no longer see the casualties...You know, people trying to control life, and others, even if it meant hurting people. The world holds so much ignorance, narrowness, shortsightedness and fear. There is, in life, this insecurity and the need to feel strong, autonomous, and to dull the pain of trauma and loss and abandonment. Me, and so many around me, are trapped in a whirlwind of pain and mutually assured destruction. I really never thought I could get better. I never thought life would be better, I often didn't think I'd live this long. 
Since I saw some kind of light, (My daughter) and started fighting for a different life and for something better, I have tried harder and harder to forget where I've been, what I've done, who I was. I mean

saying that makes it sound terrible and I try not to think it was really all that bad, it's a matter of perspective and I know you for one are not some one who would judge me harshly. I guess though even things that weren't what I did, but rather circumstances I was in and things people did to me, are not pretty. But I try not to remember any of it. I don't want to remember the sad things, the hurting things. I don't want to define myself by my mistakes or bad company or scars in my heart. I rather just say, here, Look, I'm strong, I'm weathered, I'm a little wiser to the ways of the world. I'm determined and I'm hopeful and I believe things can change. I believe people can change and people can learn and maybe little pieces of the world can get better. I know that I believe that because my little piece of the world did, but I don't like to think about how it used to be. 
I don't know when or what I'll ever want or need to tell you, or you, I, about where we've been or what we've seen. I don't think our love is about how scarred we are, really, even though it helps us understand each other. I think it's about what's right with us. Maybe a little bit about making the most of pain. I think that's why we love each other. I'm so happy to be in love because of what's right with you, and for you to love me because of what's right with me. I'm so glad to have healed and become whole enough in my life...... that I can really love some one. 
So I know when people fall in love the sky shines bluer,

the grass is greener, the birds start singing and their hearts and their eyes light up, and the world doesn't make sense but everything feels right and that they want nothing more then to be near the one they love. I know passion ignites, and one kiss is like an elixir of life, and that dreams are sweeter, and sleep beside them is deeper, and then when they're apart the world is dim and gray, and the food has no flavor, and they toss and turn in rest. I have read the love poems, and love stories, and seen movies, and heard music, all of it telling me this. Telling this story of something magic and life-giving and shining and new and some how seemingly "eternal" in a world filled with death and decay. 
But it never meant that much to me before now. What's more, is I hear it and think, that they have no idea. It's so much better, it's so much brighter and more eloquent than they can ever say.